My first valentine

To everyone out there who make my craziest of dreams come true...



Hi people. Welcome once again. My second post s gonna be one of my favorites, which has been given a bit of a revamp! Believe me, this short story has been magically special to me for many reasons, especially because it s partly based on some of my true experiences in my first college! The first few months in a new college, new people... new experiences... you know, are the ones etched deep in your mind, the kind of memories which bring a small teardrop cruising down your cheek and a gentle innocent smile in your face. The names of quite a few characters have been changed, while some have been retained as such :) if you know me, and u r one of those who studied with me in my first college, then u might guess what this s all about! Some of u might even identify with the characters! If so, have a taste of it as slowly as you can, word by word! If not, come on... Do get ready for a time travel to your late teenage days... your first crush! If you are able to identify with at least a few of what I have written, man, my job is done! And if you are lucky enough to be able to get the theme music of 'kaadhal' playing in repeat mode in the background, i assure you of an experience, which you ll savour for your lifetime!Bon voyage!

PS: This novelette is inspired by reality. But a bit of inspiration for the basic theme has also been derived from an article I read long back in some edition of The Reader’s Digest.

You can only learn to love by loving
- Iris Murdoch

Love is a feeling that you feel, when you get the feeling that this is a feeling that you have never felt before...
- anonymous

a bell is not a bell 'til you ring it,
a song's not a song 'til you sing it;
love in your heart wasn't put their to stay, n
love isn't love 'til u tell it away!
- Oscar Hammerstein


1

Reality bites they say... But this time reality was licking! The moon was staring at us. But I knew, it was only the moon and two of us around. The silent serene breeze made her hair swim in the air... and the lamp above our table defined the contours of her angelic face. The silence of the hour was so irresistibly tempting, that even the noise of water being splashed by the oar felt intruding! My watch clocked a few minutes to seven. Wherever I looked, it was all the silvery water around us. No sign of life in the near vicinity. I slid my hand down to the lake, splashed some water on her. She laughed, stood up and gave me a teasing look, as if to say, “What else do you want? How many more hours are you going to take?” I knew it was just a few minutes away. I turned and looked to the distant shore, in anticipation of her reaction to what is going to happen soon. The wind was getting too cold. As the clock struck seven, from somewhere in the shore, fireworks rocketed their way to the sky. As we watched up from our boat, they dissociated into flowers... blue, red green, and finally formed a lattice in the air, which read “Marry me Varsh!" Music started to flow in the air and my prerecorded voice from the system voiced out how much she meant to me. I just smiled at all that was happening and looked into her face. I stood up, and not moving from my place, looked right into her eyes, and whispered, " Will you be mine?" She didn’t speak a word. To add to my anxiety, she was looking down into the waters. A few tense moments passed... the same silence which was alluring a few minutes back seemed to turn increasingly uncomfortable. Then it happened... she stood up, opened up her arms into an imaginary hug, and said..... , “What the hell are u doing in bed at eight thirty today? St. Valentine beckons you dude to his world... Get up n pay him some respects man!” A voice cries out into my ears. Startled and caught off guard, I wake up to the face of my room-mate. Pinching myself consciously, I shout "just a dream?" "Hey, aren’t u tired of uttering that once again? Hell with u... Get up n get ready in a couple of minutes. Or I am leaving without you", my room mate storms out faking irritation on his face. As I get from bed, I make it a point to jot a couple of lines in my diary about the dream. Wow! I marvel at my subconscious self for putting bits and pieces alive and creating such a real experience. Now fully in my senses, I realize the real meaning of it. Still smiling to myself, I stroll my way to the bathroom, confident of finding a solution today.

2

It is not every day you walk out of your hostel and see most of the people around you in green. Some others were in yellow... some more in black. An atmosphere of joy and excitement lingered quite obviously. Walking along the hostel road, a smile once again creeps into my face. Colors in most occasions convey your thoughts, feelings and lots more about you, they say; and here there seems to be a real proof of it. But doesn’t it have an element of childishness too, I wonder. I put on my jacket as the cold is quite getting on you. I blow into the air to see smoke coming out of my mouth. Flowers on the road with its fresh fragrance give a real heavenly feel to it. Nearly thousand days of walking on the same path, but still the excitement doesn’t seem to decrease a bit. Three such uneventful valentine's days have passed since I entered college and this, in all probabilities, will be my last here in Ooty. The fact that there are hardly two months more, before we all split up, hits me quite painfully. I surprise myself by taking a peak into the local temple and offering a quick short prayer. Once at the cross roads between hostel and the college campus, I see boys and girls everywhere, mostly in pairs, and I find it really difficult to differentiate couples from those who are just friends. 'After all, this enigmatic concept of love!?’ I muse to myself n manage a sigh! "Why the hell have you come out today?” a part of my brain questions me. Why shouldn't I? a part of my heart answers back. Suddenly I get a strange feeling of selective amnesia. Taking time to gather my emotions, I walk slowly to the college stores, crossing the library block on the way. Contrary to my expectation, it looks quite deserted, save a couple of boys looking for gifts. I wonder why. I buy a few A4 sheets, a first love valentine card, two envelopes, glue and some glitter. I walk out mechanically, still quite unsure of my plans. In no mood to attend the first hour, I wander aimlessly towards the canteen back to the hostel campus. How do you feel when an intensively bright light flashes straight at your face, blinding you momentarily? Tats what happens to me; when all of a sudden, a colorful tent catches my eye. I see a jukebox kiosk around the corner of the hostel canteen. A boy dedicates "my heart ll go on" to someone called Shruti. I try my best to do what I do best in such situations- smile, but this time around, tears win over. I keep staring at it, though I want to look away. I stand rooted to the ground, trying in vain, to control myself. And memories roll back...

3

When I landed my feet into this campus, I felt as excited as Armstrong would have felt when he laid his feet on the lunar surface. And no exaggeration in that. It was my new found life... new found place... new found home. New people all around. My first year out of my cocoon home... away from the care and supervision of my dear parents. My first experience at discovering myself! Man, first year in college! My first exposure to girls... I mean, the first time I get to interact with anybody of the opposite sex, get to know them. The time when your senses reign supreme. the period when small gestures, deep looks, crazy words, irrational feelings, underplayed emotions, silly giggles, short walks, tea breaks, simple get-togethers, weekend treats... mean a lot more than they usually do. The age when the proximity of girls sends butterflies flying in your stomach. The time when sensuality ranks well above sensibility. The period when friendship meant everything. Life was all bliss... but still some unknown suffering! And it all started as a wonderful strong bond of friendship. It was like a doorway to the other world for me. It was nevertheless blown up into a big issue, thanks to the efforts of the people around me! For me, my first year's valentine's day was the only one, worthy of the effects the name brings with it. Yes, freshers' year in college. A girl named Varsha! No other day in my life had even come close to measuring up. Fate was having a ball that day. 'Unexpected' is just a euphemism, if u ask me! How would u feel when you are walking down the road, and someone from nowhere, in the mike dedicates a song on behalf of you to a girl u like a lot! And you realize the girl is standing just behind you. You know what I mean... and lo and behold, the earth took a complete turn from then.

4

2003. Ooty. One of the top engineering colleges in south India. Now that’s the situation. And now for one of the few thousand stories it houses. Varsha! You know what, the girl who is beside me wherever I am. Not because she followed me all through. It is just that fate was having more than just a ball, when both of us were named, that we ended up next to each other in the attendance list. Ok, how does that make anyone special? for the simple reason that, to me, Varsha was not one of those persons who gives a hypocritical smile just for its sake. She really means what she does. You have to believe this, though I am not quite good at describing the people I like a lot. She was the first girl, I opened my mind to. And now you know, what I am talking about. Wow, what a friendship that was... at least in my perspective. Well, I owe a lot to the engineering drawing halls out there in the second floor of A block. What’s the connection, u ask? We rather shared our views there, and I got to talk lots during our ED sessions. It was rather inevitable, you can say! I felt she really moved freely with me, confided secrets to me, trusted me quite a lot! She always made me happy. She made me feel good. She made my life there worth it. In short, she was all a friend could be. Naturally our views coincided. We were seen a lot more together than usual. The guys and girls easily made it the hot topic for the year. That was expected as it was still early days of college, and a relationship happening so soon was news. They called me Varsh n called her by my name. She laughed it off, I could see. And heaven forbid, this was the time I developed the strangest feeling of all- the mother of all feelings, you can say. The zenith. The culmination. A feeling that I couldn’t comprehend.' what the hell... this girl seems to understand me very well, and I know her as much the same. Can there be something more to this... but isn’t it too early to decide', I asked myself or rather I was driven to. This was the time when Valentine’s Day 2003 intervened, and that fateful incident at the jukebox happened. But you know what, Varsha, to my surprise, once again was all smiles over the incident! This further drove me crazy about her thoughts. But, something strange was in store for me. The students were too much a bother for both of us. Even a short discussion over teas was viewed with the utmost suspicion, thereby becoming the subject of discussion for the day. And then, the thing I feared most happened...

5

I slowly started developing a feeling hat she no longer talked with me like before... I mean the way she used to be. Something was really wrong. She must have thought the same about me. I, all of a sudden, developed an ego to make her talk first. Words were indeed sparse for a couple of months or more, save a few confusing glances, she, waiting for me to open up, and I, expecting her to break the ice. And what do you expect at this stage. Once again, for reasons obvious, alleged stories about our silence were doing the rounds in our class. It was not long after we somehow managed to talk about this. Though she slyly indicated that I was one of the best friends she had had in her life, she clearly didn’t want anymore of those talks about us spreading around. But believe me; I couldn’t at all take the slightest hint about what was running in her mind! She seemed calm and clear at one moment, and terribly confused on another occasion. I did develop a strong urge from somewhere deep within me to say that I loved her, everything about her, but decided against it, reasoning out that it could indeed be an early hasty remark! More over, I feared it might spoil our present relationship- whatever we could manage to sustain. Though in the corner of my mind, I secretly wanted to believe that she too feared the same. but, by mutual consent, for the sake of our studies, our impressions on the society , and our future, I decided to keep my distance. But I knew for sure that I was rather waiting for time, fate or god to intervene...

6

From here, the situation didn’t grow any better. I moved with Varsha like any other girl in college. A smile not too often, but just to confirm the relationship we shared... a 'hi, hello...’ now and then, and a few lines very rarely! But my instincts told me that somehow she wanted to talk to me. Lab hours did have me speaking with he, but mostly about the subject. On a couple of occasions, we did talk and laugh over our first year experiences, though both of us not quite able to read the other one's mind! To put it straight, she remained an enigma for the next two years. I became quite studious, inclined towards completing projects on time, with a secret desire burning within me to top the university. But a line my mom once said kept ringing a bell in my heart, “a wife may turn to be good friend, you know. But a friend will undoubtedly be great wife, it actually depends on how u look at it!" sometimes, I would rather badly want to go and shout this aloud to Varsha. Something prevented me from doing this for a long time, till I reached a point when I was fed up with my own hesitancy. I started doubting my own stand on this. But one thing for sure, I was determined to make my point clear about the whole thing, to her, before I left the college for higher studies...

7

The situation, though simple and childish to the third man's view point, was rather complicated for me! First of all, I wasn’t sure what exactly she had in mind, and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings in any way. Secondly, after the incident, I had been at times grotesquely bashful in Varsha's presence. For reasons unknown. Or at least unexplainable. In the company of friends, I do seem like a sparkling wit. But with Varsha, for the last couple of years, somehow I managed to communicate mostly in grunts, stares or sheepish nods. Although superficially, she had been quite ok to me all the while I was not sure whether her heart pounded to the same desperate rhythm as mine, also I feared her views about me might have changed through the years. To be frank, I was just expecting a miracle. Literally. But my reality thought otherwise. Common sense told me nothing would happen unless I come out with my feelings, plain and clear. Strong in my convictions, I resolved to give it a real try some day....

8

I wink and wipe my face as I am pulled back to reality from my deep trance. For a moment or so, I doubt my own existence. whoof… I had scanned three and a half years of my life in about five minutes. My tongue buds get a taste of a salty tear drop which escapes the kerchief swiping over my face. I realize my whereabouts and start walking, still looking at the direction of the fun stalls, wondering at the strange ways of god. A new found profound will empowers me. Somehow, I make up my mind to meet Varsha today and speak out my heart to her... Tell her how much she means to me... to my life!!!

9

Back at the hostel, I find my room empty, as expected. I realize that Varsha had just lost her mobile a few days back. All alone, I start writing a note to Varsha, asking her to meet me at 'The Boomerang' parlor at 4:30 pm for a surprise! I am tempted to write something nicer, but decide against it, fearing the consequences if someone else happens to get their hands on it. Now I plan my modus operandi for the day, trying to visualize mentally my proposed talk to her. I say each and every line a couple of times, standing in front of the mirror. But stop, an unknown fear from nowhere keeps hitting me! How will she take it if I said it on her face? Can I still go ahead? I convince myself as my eyes catch a glimpse of the words of Beverly Hills big and bold on my cupboard, ' you may be, at the most, disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try!’ something within me gives me a new spirit. I leave my room to see the watchman in the ladies hostel, give him a tip or two and ask him to pass the note to Miss.Varsha, final year Btech, in room no D5. Tensed up to the core of my head, I walk back imagining the situation which is going to happen in a few hours from now. Again I ask myself, this time more out of the fear of failure looming large, in front of me, “Do I really want to do this? Is it worth risking one of the most sacrosanct memories of youth for sheer disappointment and shame, nothing more than that?" but a voice in my heart kept telling me “Man, you will win!" I keep on walking down the road from LH, the lone voice, lending support to my cause

10

I haven't yet reached the left turn to the men's hostel, when I hear a familiar voice at the corner, calling at me. Ash, my good friend, rushes towards me and greets me. She enquires in a mocking tone about the number of proposals I have faced from morning. I make a valiant attempt to smile, in spite of my inner conflicts. Somehow I manage to seem normal, teasing her back. We discuss a lot about our friends, their plans and their crushes. At this moment, just like that, something, fate you can say makes her talk about Varsha. I gear up eager to listen to anything about her, not knowing that this piece of information would turn my whole world topsy turvy! Yes, lady destiny was determined to underline her presence that second! “Prabhu, you know what?” she says," Varsha is running around the hostel these days, all excited, showing the photo of her fiancé to the girls. And man, you know who he is. A neuro surgeon in the US and hell, he looks hot man! He he... well, I shouldn’t be telling it anyway... but still he looks good." My reactions betray me the same moment and I stare at her like a stone. I look frozen for a couple of seconds, as it feels like a stroke of lightning has just struck me! The clouds do have a heart... they come to my rescue at this time, seeing my plight. It starts pouring like hell, all of a sudden, the climate subjected to a change. Ash pulls me to a nearby shelter opposite to the basket ball court, next to the snack bar. “the story s not over ya... Varsha’s dad gave his intro to her. They used to chat through the net for the last couple of weeks, you know! How does it feel to marry a guy suddenly...? Wow! Kind of mixed feelings it must be, anyway she seems to be happy" she reels out. “By the way, Prabhu, are you by any chance, disappointed"; she asks me, trying to keep her face as serious as possible as possible. Silence. A friendly smile spreads on her face. She might have thought I had grown out of it... or it was all never serious at all. I am on the verge of breaking out, when I check it with some effort. It seemed the tears could come gushing out any second. I manage to blurt out something like, "you know what I feel, Ash!" she smiles back, pats me on my back and bids good bye. I walk back into the hostel, waiting for the first chance to jump into my bed, and dig my head into the pillows, for the reactivation of my lachrymal glands. The broken pieces of my heart threaten to fall out of my mouth, as I walk, lost in thought, to my room.

11

I reach my room and find it empty for the second time today. I throw myself on bed and try to cry myself out. But the time and the thought had stopped my urge for tears, I realize. However the thought of my Varsh makes my eyes moist. I am confused. ‘Can I go ahead with it, whatever comes, trying to make Varsh realize what I feel and change her mind?’ I get up, walk my way to the basin, wash my face and return. I find myself slumping into my chair, loaded with used clothes, as I think. Is it ethically right on the part of me, to interrupt or intervene in Varsh's marriage? What exactly did we two of us share? Could we really find a name for it? Watver, it was an old one? Was it just a good friendship? Does that word cover everything? or is just care or concern? Doesn’t this come under love? Can’t my love for her be the same even if she is married? wat the hell... What exactly is this? Is it just a feel good feeling in her presence... which would die out in course of time? Or is it just kind of support in distress? An ear to my sorrows? Then..? An outlet to my ecstasies? A bridge between my heart and the brain? My whims and reasoning? A human necessity? A sentimental compulsion? Escapism from predictability? Hormonal misgivings? Adrenalin highs? Really..? Ok assuming I go ahead and tell her, what if she doesn’t have any feelings for me as her partner? On the other front, what if she, inwardly, expects me to approach her and thinks I am not ready for a commitment? Am I too late to voice my views now? Have I waited too long? Can I clarify it with her? She has already said that I am one of her special friends, not a word more. What makes me believe then, that she is waiting for me to start the talk? Am I wrong? Questions pierce me like bullets being fired at me! Ash said Varsha is happy. And that means she likes her prospective groom, I tell myself. Yes, it’s possible she might have liked me, but that's a wild guess. If I go and ask her now, she might feel hurt. Or she might be forced to change her mind for my sake. IS IT ALL WORTH IT? The last thing I wanted in life is to see Varsha suffering in silence, and I do not want to be a cause for it. I keep on brooding on these, when an iota of sleep conquers my consciousness...

12

I wake up startled, to the beep of my mobile, about half an hour later. I remind myself of my self, and my thoughts. After lots of conflicted emotions, yes, I finally take a decision not to disturb her peaceful life, taking the risk! I chide myself saying that my pursuit for her had been half based on whimsical fantasy. Anyway she’ll be happy, wherever she is, I comfort myself. I decide to keep my love, or whatever one may choose to call it, to myself, meet her at boomerang and surprise her by giving a special treat for her engagement. I watch the clock as it showed 3.55 pm. I get up, my chest feeling empty, get dressed mechanically, lock the room and walk my way out, puzzled and dazzled by the strange ways of the power above us. The valentine card I bought a few hours back, lying there on my desk, if it had brains, must have thought I am one crazy insane idiot!!!

13

I enter Boomerang at two minutes to half past four hoping to see Varsh there. But no, the table is free. "Mr.Prabhu?” asks the waiter, approaching me with a doubtful look on her face. I nod, “a message from someone called Varsha", she says. "With regrets, she’ll be about an hour late". Varsha's tardiness comes as something of a reprieve to me. My stomach has been in knots all day, and it might be good to have a few moments to collect myself. Outside on the lawns facing the busy road, I laze around, inventing a hundred explanations for Varsha's delay. She has some important project work to complete? She had some unexpected visitors at the hour; couldn't get a bike in the hostel? And one thing my mind refused to digest; she wanted to keep the meeting short as she had to be back at the hostel by half past six. Never! it wouldn’t be so, I keep telling myself, as I walk around the lawns...

14

The breeze was becoming too cold. I watch around with no specific purpose and finally take a seat, gazing at the clear sky above. As I pull up my jacket zip, once again, the clouds seem like lightening themselves any moment. I look back to the sounds of a couple in their early twenties, in an oval table. I can hear the boy saying that he wants to have the nuptial commitment at least 2 or 3 years from now. The girl insisted repeatedly on having the marriage immediately. Their arguments were reaching a louder decibel level. Sheepishly I stand up, and isolate myself to a lone corner. I see a woman in her fifties asking a girl of Varsha's age, not to visit such parlors alone with guys, as it will reflect badly on her marriage. Something seemed to slap me on my face, flat. Mixtures of assorted emotions conquer me. All of a sudden, from nowhere, like a bolt of the blue sky, a horrible fear strikes me. What if Varsh finds out that I learnt of her engagement through Ash, only after passing the note to her? Hell... well, he could request Ash not to tell Varsha. But then Ash would surely ask the real reason. Am telling you, it’s tough to lie to Ash. She might persuade me to tell everything to Varsha. She is too close to me to let me suffer in despair, if she thinks so. Again, I am confused and back to square one. And a confused mind hunts out problems to worry about. New fears hit me now. My tense actions might create suspicion in Varsha's mind! What if I am not able to control myself on seeing her face to face? But then, am I a coward? So again, overtaken with great epiphany, I decide I don’t need to go through with this, just to satisfy my curiosity about what might have been. I need not fake a cheerful treat, fighting with my inner self, for giving it. Yes let this sink in me. I have come to know something about Varsh, maybe accidentally, but whether I like it or not, I have to accept it. Yes, nobody wants to find that three years have muddied, maybe illusionally, whatever soft connection there once might have been; not made it more heroic. That may be what life is all about, but it’s certainly not what teenage love-affairs are about.

15

My decision is firm. Not far from the parlor, I find a stationary store; buy paper, envelope, some more glitter and glue. Sitting on a stoop in the open, I stare at the moon once and sit down to write...

Varsha,
I m sure we would have had a wonderful party and a great time today, but all I wanted to do was to thank you for whatever you have been to me... for the wonderful friendship we share(d). I still treasure the birthday card you once gave me. And the book you gifted me! Your friendship really means a lot to me. It opened the doors for all the fun of the rest of my college life. It had quite a lot of positive effects on me, and it still has! It may feel like a small gesture to many, but you know, these are the things that sum everything that is good in this world. This is what that finally makes life worth living. You can own the earth... you can own the moon... but I believe true success in life happens only when you get the firm conviction that you are indeed being loved by your best friend! Once again, all I wanted you to remember is that I will never ever forget you for being my first true wonderful friend of the opposite sex.

Then, congrats on your engagement, Varsha. I heard of it and I m sure you would have told it to me today, if not. I m sure the surgeon is very lucky! The treat is for the news also. I thought of leaving around 5.15 pm as I have an important appointment with my guide at 5:30 pm. really sorry for not being able to stay back to meet you. Hope you'll understand. Enjoy the kesar falloda cocktail, which I have ordered specially for you.
Once again, wishing you a happy married life and a wonderful future,

Your best friend,
Prabhu.

I spell out Varsha's name in glue across the big red envelope, sprinkle gold glitter over it and wait for it to dry. A chill moist wind slaps on my face...
Does the cosmos contain keys for opening up my cocoon mind? A railway line devoid of a permanent terminus?! A mature mind strong enough to differentiate between complex intimate relationships?! We must keep looking. I smile to myself, as I walk towards the glass door of the parlor. Back at the restaurant, this time, marveling at the strange ways of god, I seal the envelope with the most innocent kiss I could manage, wipe out the tear drop on the card, place it on our table and walk quietly out of the door.